Thought I was making a joke first thing this morning. Instead I got bitched at for it. Then spent 10 min in the bathroom crying about it. Great way to start the day.....

Up and down and up and down. That's all life, or at least mine, really is. I graduated, I got out of a bad relationship, my job is going well enough for me to want to stay. I'm feeling confident, secure, looking good. Of course when I meet someone who I am astoundingly attracted to, and after making plans, I am warned that he is 'damaged goods' and that he may not even be ready for a relationship. Greeeeeaaaat. All my hopes have been given up again. Now, of course, I'm feeling unworthy, useless. I've been denied without even being given a chance, I feel. Hurt after being hurt so quickly. It's too much. I get led on, and then dropped so fast that I'm getting emotional whiplash. Why, in the world, do I always attempt to 'help' the needy, the damaged, the broken. It's never worked! And people like that, they can only help themselves. I know that, I KNOW that. So why do I persist? What is it in me that is drawn to that, even though I know I only ever get hurt. I'm bawling right now.

The $200,000 Question

My mouth slowly opened. I felt my chin drop to the floor. "Oh my God...." I said, out loud. "What is it?" my customer, a girl who works at the pet store across from me, asked. I shook my head to bring me back, "Eh, nothing." What a lie. It certainly was something. Nothing to be explained to a perfect stranger however. She left and I quickly asked to use the bathroom. I speed walked through the door, grabbed my phone and texted. "I just fucking saw you. Nice hat."

Send.

I slipped my phone into my pocket. Now, completely rattled, I had to return to my job. Flustered, I couldn't think straight. I was stumbling over my words. Having customers repeat their orders. I was acting like I was retarded.

I couldn't stop thinking about him, and the brief moment I saw him, floating down on the escalators. Was he coming back? Was he still in the mall? Why'd he come this way, was he expecting to see me?

I slink out to the bathroom again. "1 Message." "I think I blushed a bit on the way down." He DID see me! I texted back, "I said Oh my God and blushed as well. I kind of wish you came by."

A few texts and a few hours of cleaning the store, I was out of there! Still, in shock. What did this mean? We didn't even meet and I'm acting like a fucking 12 year old who just saw Justin Bieber. I couldn't think straight. I loved seeing him, but at the same time it was just a joke. A tease. How could this one moment mean so much? No words exchanged, not even a glance. He was turned away, talking to his girlfriend no less.

I got home. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to escape. Texted a friend about going to a bar, he never responded. I ended up drinking alone. Continuously trying to create and hold a conversation with the man I had seen so briefly. Things changed. Again. I was already dealing with the fact that I will never be able to be his friend. To hang out, watch a movie, bullshit about life. But then - then he comes my way and we see each other, in the flesh. We weren't just pictures anymore. Words on an LCD screen. We now exist. Why, why would he come by? I told him not to, it was a waste of time. That I'm never there. He finally told me he loved her, he finally admitted it to himself. So why would he go and do such a thing? His girlfriend, not even the slightest idea why he was smiling. Why they were at this end of the mall. The images running through his head, completely unknown to her. Me, unknown.

It's nearing 3 in the morning. I've been up and moving since 7:30. I wasn't tired. I can't sleep with this confusion, these questions. I took Tylenol PM. Two. I knew I'd be sleeping well into the afternoon that day. But that's what I wanted. Sleep is the only escape I'm allotted. The combination of alcohol and the Tylenol was certainly a different and interesting feeling. I couldn't really enjoy though. I just wanted unconsciousness to come. One last text was sent, before he and I both passed out. It was left with a question, whether or not I wanted to continue texting him. I fell asleep with those questions in my head. In my daze over the next 12 hours, they were still there. In and out, it was a restless sleep. Why continue texting him if we could never have a real relationship, of any sort? What's the point? He's not interested in my hobbies, my interests. I'm his 'lustbunny.' Nothing but a fantasy. He doesn't want to know about my day. About my ferrets. About the idiotic customer I had while working.

I. Am. On. Repeat.

Fucking Karma

Generally, I'm a good person. I'm reliable, honest, hardworking. But apparently none of that matters.

I recently moved from the shithole that is Chesapeake, VA back home to MA. Things down there sucked. People are vain (I felt I was in LA just without so much plastic), the one friend I had wasn't really a friend. My roommates ended up hating me because of my ferrets. Granted, I didn't handle various situations as I probably should have, although it was certainly handled better than it could have been.

So what happened? Instead of getting transferred, my boss put in my 'resignation.' So I haven't worked since Feb, 28. I didn't know this had even happened until last week, I thought things were cruising along perfectly before that.

Is this karma working against me? If so why is it ALWAYS happeneing to me, and seemingly no one else? It seems these issues are always so immediate. I feel I'm paying for things from a past life because I really don't think this should be happening to me. My life has been rough as is, I don't need things being fucked up for me any more.

I should've never left Pittsburgh. Moving to Chesapeake was the worst thing I could've done.

Also, boycott Office Depot!

No death. Although I've wanted it. I'm never going to be able to be committed to someone because I don't want kids. No one wants to marry someone and decide, oh hey, no kids. The point of marriage is to start a family.

The few guys out there who don't want kids, are already taken.

I'm going to be moving back home to MA shortly. I'm actually just regressing at this point.

I manage to either piss off or be pissed off at everyone I know. I can't stay happy. I can't be happy. I try, and when I think I'm happy, something happens to put me right back where I started.

I'm just a blob taking up space. Pissing everybody off. I have no use, none. Something new comes along, and it just happens again. Worthless. Trash.

I don't see the end

I've had suicidal thoughts before. This time is different because I actually want to go through with it.

I had a lot of Tylenol last night. It did nothing but made me sleep. It seems overdosing on drugs such as that is pretty much impossible. Sleeping pills would be ideal, but those won't work either. They just make you sleep for days on end. I can't slit my wrists. I don't have the guts and it would take too long. I don't have a gun. I can't hang myself, that takes too long as well. Jumping could work, but the chance of surviving is too high.

Ideally, I want to down a bottle of sleeping pills, get a lot of vodka, and take various other prescribed drugs to off me. The sleeping pills might work in the fact that if I'm sleeping a lot my blood sugar could plummet. But adrenaline usually kicks in and pumps it back up.

I don't know which drugs I could get. Morphine would work. That's not exactly a drug you can just happen upon though.

As I've said before, nothing works out in the way I want them too. I was cursed the second I was born. For reasons unknown to me. I can't help but wonder why I've suffered so much, what I did in a past life that has made me this way.

Most suicide stories you hear about, something happened and the person is just too pathetic to handle it. What happened was life changing yes, but could be fixed/helped. My situation though......I have yet to see another in the same situation as me. My life has been a continuous struggle over things that I don't have control over. I'm always getting screwed over by something or someone. I used to believe there was a purpose for me being here, but now I think I'm only here to be laughed at by God. I'm his personal joke. I have nothing, and have nothing to offer.

So why am I still here. Being tortured.

Unknown

Thursday I quit my job. 5 minutes ago I broke up with Tim. I don't know how I feel. I've just been so stressed lately. I guess I've run out of emotion.

In a way I feel like my relationship with Tim isn't over. And that in the morning, he will have apologized, come back, and we'd be together.

I couldn't tell you if our relationship would last forever, but I thought it would have lasted a while longer.

I'm not sure how things are going to turn out in the future. If we'll have a friendship. How our living arrangement will work. I can't avoid him. That's impossible.

I'm at a loss right now. I have nothing to do, nor do I even know what to do.