I miss the smell of grass and dirt. I miss listening to the birds chirp as they hop from tree to tree. I miss hearing silence and seeing darkness at night. I miss listening to the trees being brushed by wind. I miss hearing the pattering of rain on my roof. I miss being able to drive to nowhere. I miss hearing the lawn mowers going. I miss rolling my windows down and smelling fresh air.
I want to go back to Massachusetts. I want to return to third grade when everything was OK, when I could go outside and play in the mud all day and not worry about a thing. I don't want to have to work any more. I don't want to have to go to class. I don't want to deal with the pressures of living with another person. I don't want to deal with people breaking my heart.
But none of that is possible. I'm here. And I'm here for another year or so. It seems so long and so short at the same time. I'm not free. I thought I was, but I'm not. You're only free when you're a child.
I'm trapped here......in all of this. Having to deal with my emotions, people, and responsibility. I just want to be able to enjoy myself. Be able to enjoy nature. But I can't, I can't do any of it.
And it's killing me.
Monday, April 18, 2005
I hate myself
Clearly there's something wrong with me when your boyfriend who just broke up with you tells you you're the best thing ever, but it won't work out. So what the fuck is the matter? Could someone please tell me? This is the second time this has happened to me. What is it about me that makes boys want to break up with me? It doesn't make any sense........
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Throw me off the plank why don't you matey?
So. Again with the longness of days. Yes, it sucks. Yes, I don't sleep. Yes, I want to kill someone. Yes, that person is Casey. How so? Hah. Long story. Didn't want to really write anything about that situation. But, it's unavoidable. To sum it up- I didn't sleep last night, I miss Steve, and I just don't want to deal with people any more.
I got my taxes filed. It was a whole $180. Isn't that fantastic? It sure is. That's more than half of what I'm getting back.
Guess what also cost $180? The speeding ticket I got. Where was it? On the little road that leads to Robinson Mall. He said he saw me going 53 in a 25. How is that possible? It's not. I know I speed. I do it all the time. That's a given. But 53? Um, I say no. Because it physically is not even possible. Not only was I at a stop light a few feet before the cop saw me, but it was in fact red, the street went uphill, there is a major curve (40mph at the max), and I was in a fucking Lumina! It can't speed up to 50 mph within 4 seconds! In maybe 10 seconds, but 4?!
He didn't even use radar. He estimated it himself, no technology whatsoever. Quota case? I think so. At least it wasn't as bad as my first speeding ticket. But then again, my dad helped me pay that one. I asked for a cash advance from work, and sadly, I don't think it will even be enough. Poor once again.
I also have to go to school on Saturday, to do my lifecast. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, however, Steve is coming down this weekend, and he'll be stuck with me working on it. Yeah.
My life sucks.
I live only to take care of Little Man. He needs me. He depends on me.
I can't let him down.
I got my taxes filed. It was a whole $180. Isn't that fantastic? It sure is. That's more than half of what I'm getting back.
Guess what also cost $180? The speeding ticket I got. Where was it? On the little road that leads to Robinson Mall. He said he saw me going 53 in a 25. How is that possible? It's not. I know I speed. I do it all the time. That's a given. But 53? Um, I say no. Because it physically is not even possible. Not only was I at a stop light a few feet before the cop saw me, but it was in fact red, the street went uphill, there is a major curve (40mph at the max), and I was in a fucking Lumina! It can't speed up to 50 mph within 4 seconds! In maybe 10 seconds, but 4?!
He didn't even use radar. He estimated it himself, no technology whatsoever. Quota case? I think so. At least it wasn't as bad as my first speeding ticket. But then again, my dad helped me pay that one. I asked for a cash advance from work, and sadly, I don't think it will even be enough. Poor once again.
I also have to go to school on Saturday, to do my lifecast. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, however, Steve is coming down this weekend, and he'll be stuck with me working on it. Yeah.
My life sucks.
I live only to take care of Little Man. He needs me. He depends on me.
I can't let him down.
Monday, April 11, 2005
No me gusta
My hands are covered in dried alginate. My nails are filled with plaster. I have a white powder all over my clothes.
This can only mean that I'm at school. I was supposed to get my lifecast done- but surprise surprise I didn't. I have no clue when I'll get a chance to get it done. I'm thinking of recruiting Trent to do it. Since he knows how.
So, this week has been long ass week. Thursday, I got awfully frustrated with the way things were going down in my apartment, so I decided to supress all anger and frustration with alcohol. I had originally planned on sleeping over Justin's place, however, they started to watch Star Wars and I figured I'd enjoy myself more if I were inebriated. So, I returned home, grabbed the alcohol, looked for someone to get drunk with, and I found her. And her name is Renee. Damn, I love Renee. So I went up to her place, got really really drunk. Ate about 9 hard boiled eggs, cleaned her room, got some change off of her, reunited with a long lost person, who I hadn't seen in over 6 months. That was amusing.
I don't remember returning to my room, but I think it was somewhere between 3-4 o'clock in the morning. I set my alarm clock because I had to work the next morning (yeah go me). I ended up waking at 10:44, and I had to be in at work by 9:30. It wasn't because I was drunk that I was late, it was because I had set my alarm clock for 9 P.M.
I rushed to work and got there, started up everything, and although I had a headache, I was doing OK. After my shift was over, I really didn't want to return to the apartment, for fear of any encounters, so I stayed at the mall, went shopping at Charlotte Russe (got some AWESOME clothes), got my hair cut, and some food other than pretzels. I was invited to go to a party with my co-worker Josh at his place. Jess (another person I work with) wanted to go also, so we decided we'd go together (having a car helps those types of situations.) We ended up not going however, because when we left, we had forgot the directions in her apartment, and when we returned, I was tired, and she was on the phone with her boyfriend (big drama with that). So I ended up going home instead of sleeping over there. And I had work the next morning also. I was on time that morning.
So that was my weekend. I also did homework and such, no confrontations luckily.
I've certainly been down in the dumps. Not much good has happened. The only good thing that happened all weekend was seeing Steve for about an hour. He'll be coming up this upcoming weekend. I met his Dad, and he likes me (which is a good thing). I can't wait to see Steve again. I'm going to drag him to the Beehive. I haven't been there in ages! So it will be nice to just relax. I actually think I might go tonight, depends on how I feel I suppose, and what I have for homework.
People have been assholes to me, of course. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'd really enjoy just driving around, finding a nice, woodsy place to just relax at. I probably would do that if I had the time. But I don't. And gas money is expensive. Maybe I'll do that when Steve comes here. We could go for a picnic. That's a good idea. I'll do that. Woo I can't wait! Oh, we've been going out for a month already! Isn't that mad?! Hehe I love him to death, I really do. He's just so sweet to me, he's gorgeous, and he feels the same exact thing about me also.
And he's the perfect hugging height.
This can only mean that I'm at school. I was supposed to get my lifecast done- but surprise surprise I didn't. I have no clue when I'll get a chance to get it done. I'm thinking of recruiting Trent to do it. Since he knows how.
So, this week has been long ass week. Thursday, I got awfully frustrated with the way things were going down in my apartment, so I decided to supress all anger and frustration with alcohol. I had originally planned on sleeping over Justin's place, however, they started to watch Star Wars and I figured I'd enjoy myself more if I were inebriated. So, I returned home, grabbed the alcohol, looked for someone to get drunk with, and I found her. And her name is Renee. Damn, I love Renee. So I went up to her place, got really really drunk. Ate about 9 hard boiled eggs, cleaned her room, got some change off of her, reunited with a long lost person, who I hadn't seen in over 6 months. That was amusing.
I don't remember returning to my room, but I think it was somewhere between 3-4 o'clock in the morning. I set my alarm clock because I had to work the next morning (yeah go me). I ended up waking at 10:44, and I had to be in at work by 9:30. It wasn't because I was drunk that I was late, it was because I had set my alarm clock for 9 P.M.
I rushed to work and got there, started up everything, and although I had a headache, I was doing OK. After my shift was over, I really didn't want to return to the apartment, for fear of any encounters, so I stayed at the mall, went shopping at Charlotte Russe (got some AWESOME clothes), got my hair cut, and some food other than pretzels. I was invited to go to a party with my co-worker Josh at his place. Jess (another person I work with) wanted to go also, so we decided we'd go together (having a car helps those types of situations.) We ended up not going however, because when we left, we had forgot the directions in her apartment, and when we returned, I was tired, and she was on the phone with her boyfriend (big drama with that). So I ended up going home instead of sleeping over there. And I had work the next morning also. I was on time that morning.
So that was my weekend. I also did homework and such, no confrontations luckily.
I've certainly been down in the dumps. Not much good has happened. The only good thing that happened all weekend was seeing Steve for about an hour. He'll be coming up this upcoming weekend. I met his Dad, and he likes me (which is a good thing). I can't wait to see Steve again. I'm going to drag him to the Beehive. I haven't been there in ages! So it will be nice to just relax. I actually think I might go tonight, depends on how I feel I suppose, and what I have for homework.
People have been assholes to me, of course. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'd really enjoy just driving around, finding a nice, woodsy place to just relax at. I probably would do that if I had the time. But I don't. And gas money is expensive. Maybe I'll do that when Steve comes here. We could go for a picnic. That's a good idea. I'll do that. Woo I can't wait! Oh, we've been going out for a month already! Isn't that mad?! Hehe I love him to death, I really do. He's just so sweet to me, he's gorgeous, and he feels the same exact thing about me also.
And he's the perfect hugging height.
Thursday, April 7, 2005
Things are getting repetative.
Guess where I am?!
Computer Literacy. The joy of my life.
But- I have Musto this time. Instead of the sexist bastard Matus. God I hate him. I hope he gets eaten by rabid squirrels.
I've been working a lot. Which is a good thing. Sometime last week, I was working with Jess, and her friend from WV was over trying on bridal dresses, and wanted to get her fitted for the Bridesmaid dress. So, Josh, who was supposed to come in at 3, eventually showed up around 4:20. Where was he? Shopping at FYE (which is right across from Pretzel Time) and being drunk. Yes, he showed up to work very very drunk.
Jess was able to leave to get fitted, leaving me very busy (it was Saturday), completely out of quarters, and with a drunk co-worker, who in turn, decided it would be best to blast some music out of the radio and bring over a friend who used to work there.
It was not fun. I immediately sent him out to search for quarters, hoping he'd be gone for a very long time. Unfortunatly, I only had about 15 minutes. He returned, he made some ghetto-ass pretzels, I was rushing around trying to get stuff done. It was a bitch.
Finally Jess returned and I was able to escape, half an hour after my shift had been up.
The next time I worked with him, the day after daylight savings time, I figured Josh wasn't going to show up until 3 (he was supposed to be there at 2) because I thought he wouldn't have enough intelligence to show up on time. The store was a complete and utter mess that morning, and I was very pissed and in spite I wrote out everything that he needed to do at close. He didn't do it. He enjoys making our lives a living nightmare. Grishma (my boss) however, interviewed a couple of Chinese girls yesterday. They don't speak too much English, but they seemed VERY friendly and very hard workers. Which would definately be a change from Josh, that lazy asshole. So, it should be interesting working with them that's for sure.
I'm also going to apply for another job at the Fishmarket. It would be in the morning before my classes. I guess it's an easy job, you get paid well, and it opens at 7 in the morning which would be good for me because I could work for 5 hours every morning I had class. That would be so great, I really need the money.
I suppose that's it. Steve and I have been dating for a month now. I miss Justin and them, it sucks without them around :*( The new neighbors aren't nearly as interesting as they are. Damn I miss them.
Alright, I'm out.
Computer Literacy. The joy of my life.
But- I have Musto this time. Instead of the sexist bastard Matus. God I hate him. I hope he gets eaten by rabid squirrels.
I've been working a lot. Which is a good thing. Sometime last week, I was working with Jess, and her friend from WV was over trying on bridal dresses, and wanted to get her fitted for the Bridesmaid dress. So, Josh, who was supposed to come in at 3, eventually showed up around 4:20. Where was he? Shopping at FYE (which is right across from Pretzel Time) and being drunk. Yes, he showed up to work very very drunk.
Jess was able to leave to get fitted, leaving me very busy (it was Saturday), completely out of quarters, and with a drunk co-worker, who in turn, decided it would be best to blast some music out of the radio and bring over a friend who used to work there.
It was not fun. I immediately sent him out to search for quarters, hoping he'd be gone for a very long time. Unfortunatly, I only had about 15 minutes. He returned, he made some ghetto-ass pretzels, I was rushing around trying to get stuff done. It was a bitch.
Finally Jess returned and I was able to escape, half an hour after my shift had been up.
The next time I worked with him, the day after daylight savings time, I figured Josh wasn't going to show up until 3 (he was supposed to be there at 2) because I thought he wouldn't have enough intelligence to show up on time. The store was a complete and utter mess that morning, and I was very pissed and in spite I wrote out everything that he needed to do at close. He didn't do it. He enjoys making our lives a living nightmare. Grishma (my boss) however, interviewed a couple of Chinese girls yesterday. They don't speak too much English, but they seemed VERY friendly and very hard workers. Which would definately be a change from Josh, that lazy asshole. So, it should be interesting working with them that's for sure.
I'm also going to apply for another job at the Fishmarket. It would be in the morning before my classes. I guess it's an easy job, you get paid well, and it opens at 7 in the morning which would be good for me because I could work for 5 hours every morning I had class. That would be so great, I really need the money.
I suppose that's it. Steve and I have been dating for a month now. I miss Justin and them, it sucks without them around :*( The new neighbors aren't nearly as interesting as they are. Damn I miss them.
Alright, I'm out.
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