I don't see the end

I've had suicidal thoughts before. This time is different because I actually want to go through with it.

I had a lot of Tylenol last night. It did nothing but made me sleep. It seems overdosing on drugs such as that is pretty much impossible. Sleeping pills would be ideal, but those won't work either. They just make you sleep for days on end. I can't slit my wrists. I don't have the guts and it would take too long. I don't have a gun. I can't hang myself, that takes too long as well. Jumping could work, but the chance of surviving is too high.

Ideally, I want to down a bottle of sleeping pills, get a lot of vodka, and take various other prescribed drugs to off me. The sleeping pills might work in the fact that if I'm sleeping a lot my blood sugar could plummet. But adrenaline usually kicks in and pumps it back up.

I don't know which drugs I could get. Morphine would work. That's not exactly a drug you can just happen upon though.

As I've said before, nothing works out in the way I want them too. I was cursed the second I was born. For reasons unknown to me. I can't help but wonder why I've suffered so much, what I did in a past life that has made me this way.

Most suicide stories you hear about, something happened and the person is just too pathetic to handle it. What happened was life changing yes, but could be fixed/helped. My situation though......I have yet to see another in the same situation as me. My life has been a continuous struggle over things that I don't have control over. I'm always getting screwed over by something or someone. I used to believe there was a purpose for me being here, but now I think I'm only here to be laughed at by God. I'm his personal joke. I have nothing, and have nothing to offer.

So why am I still here. Being tortured.

Unknown

Thursday I quit my job. 5 minutes ago I broke up with Tim. I don't know how I feel. I've just been so stressed lately. I guess I've run out of emotion.

In a way I feel like my relationship with Tim isn't over. And that in the morning, he will have apologized, come back, and we'd be together.

I couldn't tell you if our relationship would last forever, but I thought it would have lasted a while longer.

I'm not sure how things are going to turn out in the future. If we'll have a friendship. How our living arrangement will work. I can't avoid him. That's impossible.

I'm at a loss right now. I have nothing to do, nor do I even know what to do.