Well isn't that special?

I woke up sick this morning. I don't know if it was from the pills or emotional distress. Maybe both.

I've been painting this morning. Incubus is a great CD to listen to when in an artistic mood, let me tell you. Very relaxing. It gets you in the mood.

I'm working at 2 today. Afterwards I'm trekking over to Lisa's to watch Cirque Du Solei.

Not too much has happended today otherwise, at least nothing interetsing. Well actually, my brother got a phone call and he was outside so I went to get him, and I see him riding the new lawn mower on the paths in the back. I have no clue what he was doing....but he was going everywhere.

My dog was puking randomly. Poor thing.

I sat outside for a while and played Metroid while I waited for the paint to dry. I'm sure in those few minutes I was sitting outside I got burned.

I'm not really sure what do to with myself right now, so I'm on my way out.

Two weeks without my lover
I am in this boat all alone.
Floating down a river called 'Emotion'
Will I make it back to the shore?
Or drift into the unknown?

I'm building an antenna
transmissions will be sent when I'm through.
Maybe we'll meet again further down the river,
and share what we both discovered...
then revel in the view.
-Incubus

Sleepless nights and wandering minds

The Zoloft has been working pretty well so far. No side effects yet, except for that jittery thing the first time I took it. But I don't want to jinx it! I'm still on the smallest possible dose there is of it, and I won't be bumped up to a larger dose until Tuesday next week.

Do anything interesting today? No, not particularly. I went to Eastern Arts, yet again, to see if they had a different colored dress. This time I am in posession of a dark blue one, with silver flowers. It's pretty, however, it's not me. I want one that says, "I'm a sexy vixen and you can masturbate to my image all you want but I'm never going to give it up. BWAH HA HA HA HA!"

OK, maybe not so much. But I want one that's black. And they do have them, but they're all one size too large. She said, and I could actually understand her this time (it was a different person) she said to go in Tuesday or Wednesday to see if they have different colors. And so I will do that either Tuesday or Wednesday.

I have been sleeping not too well lately. I have been going to bed between the times 1 and 3 in the morn'. Don't know why. But that has caused me to wake up at 11, which is irritating because I actually like to get things done. Last night was differnt than the rest. How you ask me? Well, I was up until about 3 a.m., not tired at all, then when I finally went to bed, I just turned off the lights and listened to the rain.

I awoke at 9. Wide awake. Not tired at all. Weird, I have not slept that well in a verylong time. But damn, it felt good! (thank you to a certain someone for helping me out that night also ;) )

Today I returned stuff, so that I will have enough money to blow on, well myself, but in this particularly decadent day spa. I have exactly enough money to go to that thing. Which means I have to borrow money from the parents in order to bowl. Tee hee. But I'm having a tag sale Saturday so hopefully I'll make good dough off of that and I can shop for college!

I'm going to miss my car..I don't want to give up my baby! I'm hoping I can adjust easily enough.

Great news however. Em wants me to visit her over break (which will be in September) and I definately am going to go. I haven't seen her for, I think over a year now. Sadly, she will be with child. Maybe it will be good for me though. I need to get used to crying babies at some point, right? *scoff*

I've been talking to my college roomate, Linsey, and she's awesome! I'm so glad she grabbed ahold of me now, because this will make things a lot easier and relatively stress free. She has a few friends who are going there, and we're going to meet up Monday (1st day of classes!) and have a dinner together (one of the guys is there for the cooking class). I'm really, really, really excited now. We are both wondering who the third roommate is. Apparently they haven't chosen her yet. I can't wait to find out who that is though!

Woo, so I'm finally starting to get pumped for college, I'm confident (well, somewhat confident) that I can make friends, and hopefully keep them. I must remember this one key thing:

NO DRAMA!!!!!

Four hours of seeing sheets....and no action!

That's right folks, it took me 4 hours to find extra-long twin sheets for college. Extra-long you say? Yup, apparantly the college likes to be prepared for those giants that decide higher education is calling them. That whole 5 inches will do the trick....

I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble today, just to read all day long, but I had money to get and shopping to do, and I woke up at 11, so my day was pretty much shot. I did get a whole bed set and some other sheets, which is good. I don't have enough money to pay for my massage now though, so I'm going to be returning a few things.

I saw Dodgeball last night con Lisa, Dave, and EJ. It was a HILARIOUS movie. Ben Stiller rocks my world. Pepper was the funniest character I must say. He is played by the guy who is also on Arrested Development (which hopefully has been picked up for a second season...I'm not sure if it has or not though!) His character is a co-announcer of the ADAA tournament, along with Cotton.

Cotton: And this is the team "Lumberjacks." Now they probably haven't
seen a woman in months.
Pepper: They must masturbate a lot.

Patches was also a very funny character. He's the one in the commercials who says, "If you can dodge a ball, you can dodge a wrench." My favorite quote of his was, "...it's like watching a bunch of retards trying to get a rise out of rubbing against a doorknob."

Oh the hilarity.

I'm not sure what I want to do tomorrow quite yet.....it's either painting or Barnes and Noble. I really want to read John Stewart's book...but I want to finish up painting my flowers also.

Or maybe finnish that porno I've been making with my Swedish female friend I met at Six Flags.

Decisions.

Damn this shit works fast!

Three minutes after taking the Zoloft pill, which is only about the size of 3 grains of salt-yes that's how small it is- I started to feel the "jittery effect." The doctor explained it as having too much coffee in the morning, but I feel shaky (diabetes shaky.) Which really sucks because I hate that feeling. Oh is that nausea? Well not quite yet but I'm sure it will be coming soon. Or should I say coming up soon...

Sorry, bad play on words. It's early, I'm too tired and shaky to have wit.

I did much yesterday. I worked for 6 hours (I got an extra hour because Joann wanted to leave early :P She apparantly does this with Chris also, "I hate it, I'm like her bitch."-Chris)

Afterwards I went to Tricia's graduation party. Twas fun. I ate, and Dan, Lauren (I'm assuming that's the correct spelling), and Amanda were there. They're actually pretty cool people. I would never be caught dead hanging with cheerleaders.....but they are actually very funny! I like them. I definately hung out with the wrong crowd. I wish I could get to know them more, but oh well. Maybe by some freak accident I'll talk to them online in Pittsburgh. Hahahaha. There's not much of a chance in that.

I went to recital around 7:30, because I really didn't feel like waiting around for 4 hours until my dance came up (they wanted us there by 5:15!). So, I finally arrived, and about 45 minutes later I was onstage (good timing or what?!) I didn't screw up! That made me very happy. The only part I somewhat screwed up on was when I jumped up....and backwards. Luckily I gained my footing so it was cool, I didn't fall over or anything.

After that I was in a skirmish to go to the Easthampton fireworks, and in my frenzy I called multiple people, none of them answering their phones. I eventually got ahold of Pat, and he was skeptical they were still going on, but I dragged him away anyhow. It was strange, when I pulled up to his house there was a police officer there and he shined his light in my direction. I said "Hi," then scurried away into the house. The thing was, however, that I was still wearing my dance costume pants.

I'm a fashionista!

We knew the fireworks were over when the steady stream of cars were exiting Easthampton. I turned into the street at the bottom of the mountain, where sadly I had to stop because a car was stuck in a ditch (don't know how that happened...) and they were getting help being pulled out. Then lo-and-behold, from behind the jeep he appeared, the epitomy of white trash! White jeans, black Harley T-shirt, mullet, and to finish off the look, a Budweiser in his hand. And was he helping? Nope, just watching them hook up the car to pull it out. As we were watching (we had front row seats!) yet another mullet bearing man came from behind the jeep. Now, this man wasn't as stereotypical as our other friend, but that's ok, because he was an old mullet, one with gray mullet locks. He has served his time as a young mullet, and is now one of the Mullet Elders. He clearly passed down his knowledge to his son (the beer weilding fiend), so his legacy can continue.

I wish my father didn't have my camera at that moment. I'll have to drive by that house on 4th of July.

Eventually the car was saved, and I was able to turn around and go back home.

I am still in the process of watching A Mighty Wind (which I started watching last night with Pat, however he fell asleep so I brought him home.) I think it's the same person who did Best in Show, because a majority of the actors are the same and it is just as hilarious. If you like Best in Show, definately go see this one. It's a classic.

I should leave now, since I have much to do today, people to call, sex to sell.

Adios, amigos!

What is it with you animals?!

Now it seems that every time I drive there is some animal out there waiting for me so that it can jump out in front of my car. Today I almost hit a chipmunk, rabbit, and a cat. Earlier in the week it was a squirrel, turtle (two of them, on separate occasions), and a huge toad.

What is going on here? Are animals sensing the apocalypse so they're trying to kill themselves before the horrible horrible destruction which will happen? Or are they all at a loss of Prozac. Who knows what the hell is going on there. Needless to say I've been driving a lot slower.

I watched Ghost World today. It's about two girls who just graduated from high school, neither of them going to college. It was very interetsing, and it was saddening because I could completely relate to the main character, although she was a bit more extreme than me. I guess I understood her. It was a very good movie I think...Doug was a great character- white trash, with mullet and t-shirt tan (actually it was more of a wife beater tan, which is more appropiately white trash if you ask me).

Four and a half hours of waiting at dress rehersal...until we
finally took stage. But it's ok, I had nice company. My ass hurt from the chair though. Tomorrow we're supposed to be there for 5:30, and the recital starts at 6:30. I am NOT going to be there at 5:30, I will be at Tricia's party until maybe...7:30 (if it lasts until then). My dance isn't until after the second intermission, so I'll have plenty of time. They hope to be over at 9, so we'll see how that goes :P.

All I want to do is go to Barnes and Noble again to finish reading John Stewart's book. It's just so Goddamn funny. And I really need funny right now. I'm beginning to feel depressed again, and I'm not going to start the Happy Pills until Sunday, and those won't start working until about 6-8 weeks after I start taking them. OY this is going to be difficult. I have to pray, and I have to reassure myself everything will be ok. I need to know I can still talk to people, but sadly I probably won't. I'm hoping I'll be able to be sociable enough to get someone to hang with. And I hope I'll like my roomates.

I'm really wanting to double major and take a directing class also.....but I don't think AIP does directing, sadly. I have to check up on that. And I'd have to see how much it costs (as it is already $30,000 for two years). I'm very interested in that whole process, and I would love to learn about and use different filming techniques (like Quentin Taratino whom I now worship and have vowed to myself I will work with before I die).

I have scheduled myself an appointment at a day spa. I will be getting a manicure, facial, and 1/2 hour massage. The pedicure, for some reason, I cannot get the day I'm going, so it will have to be at a later date, which probably will never happen. But I'm excited, since I've never been to a spa before, and hopefully it will give me some needed relaxation.

I just hope the person massaging me isn't a she-male.

Beer and Zoloft

A nice combination if you ask me. The beer helps along with the anti-depressant mood.

Alright, alright. You got me. I'm not on Zoloft, just the beer. It has a calming affect on me...

Maybe I'm a compulsive lier. Who knows. So here's the actual truth. Went to the psychiatrist today (only the guy I saw was a nurse practitioner or something of that sorts) and he gave me Zoloft (the scientific name being "Happy Pills"). I'm not going to start it until Sunday, because a side effect is nausea, and God knows how easily nauseated I am, and I have recital Saturday so I don't want to be puking on the audience.

Or maybe I would. Hmm...this changes my plans...

Continuing on. After that I returned some items to the mall, since I have no use for them. Then I went to Barnes and Noble to chill out, be a nerd, and read. Sadly I didn't get the same seat I did before, but some guy left a comfy chair so I stole it. This time I was looking out at the street, facing the Kaoud's Oriental Rugs place. I read some more of Merton's book (the name is "Thoughts in Solitude"). I got sidetracked though by the Bushisms book. I also picked up John Stewart's book, "Naked Pictures of Famous People," and my God it is hilarious. No, there's not actually pictures of naked celebrities (except for Abe Lincoln on the cover.) He wrote random...stories I guess you'd call them... about different celebrities. I read 4 of them. One was about a Jewish person living with the Kennedy's in the 30's. The Kennedy's make politically incorrect (to say nicely) statements about Jews, Mrs. K has babies one after the other, and the deformed kids she has are taken away to be "helped." And the kids keep dying. You have to read it to understand.

The next story was about Hanson family Christmas and how the mother resents her children. The third was about Ex-Prez Ford and what he was like while president, and the fourth was about Martha Stewart's vagina.

Doesn't make sense? Well I suggest you pick one up and read it! It really is just about the funniest book I have ever read. I'm not even close to finishing it, but that's ok, I hope it never ends! This book especially appeals to me because he thinks exactly the way I do. I always envision different situations...with whomever (celebrities, relatives, anyone) and I picture them in little skits in my head. John Stewart has taken this same type of thinking and written it down, and I think it's brilliant (I'm not the only one thinking that way!) However his "skits" are much better than mine, but I would love to get to his level of creativity. I think I'm going to start writing those little ideas of mine down, when the mood strikes of course. I have to be in "creative mode."

OK here's some random subjects I want to talk about.

At Cindy's (a little ice cream place where all the sluts from Granby work) the sign outside says, "Cindy's Girls Here!" Now what the hell is that supposed to mean?! Who cares if 'Cindy's Girls' are there or not? This clearly shows that they are using their sluttiness to sell ice cream.

Then I thought, wouldn't it be funny if only girls named Cindy worked there? Maybe that's what it means!

Then I knew I was wrong when I saw the flashing neon sign of a girl with a bathing suit on, holding a beer.

I went to the movies with my friend Sarah to see "The Stepford Wives." I was wearing my fancy little corset (I had just bought it that day so I just HAD to wear it) and she was, as usual, showing off her humongus boobs. As we were driving back to my house (she was dropping me off) we got pulled over by a cop. He asked where we were going, where we were coming from, and if we had been drinking. We told him we went to the movies, and more than likely he didn't believe us, since we were dressed like sluts. At least we got out of the ticket ;)

When we bought our tickets in the theater, I think the guy in the ticket booth was looking at my boobs. Too bad it was the strapless, padded, push up bra I bought at Victoria's Secret.

My brother has become such a rebel! He has gotten so out of hand that he is now writing graffiti......on the tissue box! *gasp*


Oh the horror! And it's in White Out!

Movies, Books, and......Metroid!

Whew! It's been a while dear Blog. We have so much to catch up on! So let's see, I'll just start with this.

This morning when I was driving down my street I nearly hit a squirrel. Now, this was no ordinary squirrel, no no no, it was a magical squirrel, with a little hat and a magic stick and a squeaky voice that said, "If you rub my belly I will grant you unnlimited Jell-O pudding cups."

*Ahem* Sorry 'bout that, I got a little off topic. Anyway, the squirrel was more... "special" than the rest of the squirrels I have encountered. As I was driving, it saw me coming (It looked at me. No really, it did.), ran out into the street, then paused, almost like a deer stuck in headlights, only much smaller and in the day time. I slammed on my brakes so as not to hit the poor fellow, then it got scared from the screeching (my car needs some new brakes), turned around, then ran back to his friend. I noticed that this squirrel was missing all its fur on its tail, except for a little tuft at the tip and at the base of the tail. Clearly this squirrel has been hit by a car before me. Or, it was just in a really bad fireworks accident.

I have a few theories as to why this squirrel decided to stop in front of my 3,000 pound, speeding car.

1. The squirrel seems to have suffered some brain damage from its last run over and it does not realize that the car can kill it, since it has lost its memeory from the accident it was in.
2. The squirrel was ashamed and discommunicated from the rest of the squirrels, so it decided to put an end to his miserable life by scampering in front of my car.
3. The squirrel wanted a nub.

Who knows the real reason for this poor souls attempt...we can only pray that he gets what he wants.

I have been alternating work and watching movies all weekend, because she's finally giving me hours, and soon the rentals won't be free. Many, many, many, movies I have watched, and I can't even keep track of them. Let's see if I can give you a list. American Beauty, Raising Helen, Scary Movie 3, Thirteen, Deliverance, The Craft, Stepford Wives, Secret Window, The Breakfast Club, Peter Pan, There's Something About Mary, 50 First Dates, Drop Dead Gorgeous, Clockwork Orange, Cold Creek Manor, and a few others I can't remember. I have Mystery Men and Reservoir Dogs waiting for me on the coffee table right now. If you'd like a review of any of them, I'll gladly give it to you.

Work has been interetsing lately, I think because school is out so more people are renting, and those parents are usually the deranged ones. This one kid kept asking me about movies and if we have them, and finally I said, "Did you check the wall?" (the new releases are on walls) The kid replied, "What wall?" Only the three walls with about one hundred movies on them which are surrounding you. Yeah, those walls dumbass! No, I didn't actually say that, but I thought it.
"They go in alphabetical order, so it should be right over here. How old are you kid, 8?"
"No I'm 9."
"Well then I would think you'd know the alphabet by now, am I right?"
"Yes. It goes A,B,C,D-"
"Alright kid enough. So can you read? I'm pretty sure you can read too."
"Yeah. I like the cool Pokemon shows!"
"That's not a book kid."
"...and there's Pikachuu and Bulbasaur and my favorite is..."
"I SAID ENOUGH!"
*whimper*
"So, can you read those signs right there?"
"Yes. They say, 'Nuu..nuu releee...'"
"Sound it out kid."
"Nuu...NU Reeeses!"
"No not Reese's, releases."
"Oh ok. Nu releeses."
"Yeah, close enough. Anyway, that's where you're movie will be found, in alphabetical order. You're movie starts with 'K,' and we are by the 'M's'"
"M & M's?!"
"No kid, the letter 'M.'"
"Oh, ok. Well, can I have some M & M's anyway?"
"Go ask your mom."
"She doesn't like me to call her mom, she likes me to call her Kathy."
"Too much info kid. Just go over there, find your movie, and here, have these M & M's for free, it's on me."

*Sigh* At least that's how it feels.

Joann, my boss, just loves sending me home early, even though the assistant manager was fired, and that frees up about 20 hours of work for all us other minions. Yet, she continues to send me home early.
"Thank you for choosing Movie Gallery Belchertown where-"
"Hey it's me."
"Oh hey Joann."
"How's it goin'?"
"Well, it's not really busy right now. There's a few mingling, oh nevermind they just left. Well it's the usual, they come in waves."
"Well I'm going to have to send you home early."
"Oh, at what time?"
"Well why don't you just leave right now."
"But I just got here!"
"Yeah but you said it wasn't busy, so there's no use having you there."
"I'm the only one working right now though."
"Oh you are? Well that doesn't matter since no one is there, so why don't you just leave."
"But...I... who's going to watch the store?"
"Oh it doesn't matter. No ones there, you can just leave it for Sean when he gets in."
"Well, uh, ok. Bye."
"Thanks Michelle. I'll see you later."

That's a conversation I'm just waiting to have happen. However, she never tells me to my face to leave early, she always tells the person I'm working with to tell me to leave early. I don't know why, maybe she's bad at confrontation, who knows. It's just really aggravating.

Friday (I think it was Friday...I don't really remember) I went to Barnes and Noble to read. I picked up, "The Pessimist's Guide to Life," "Bushisms 3," and some Thomas Merton book. The pessimist one was absolutely hilarious...probably because I could relate to a lot of it. It was written by my future huusband Jimmy Fallon and his sister Gloria Fallon. Great stuff. I also read the intro to Bushisms, and part of the book. Shows the real epitomy of an idiot. However, the writer introduced an interetsing theory. Bush is capable of being smart, he did well on the SAT's (I think it was the SAT's), among other things. He only pretends to be an idiot so he can get away with being an asshole (i.e. war, anti-Gay's). I thought that was pretty interesting. I also read some book of Thomas Merton's, and it was his views on society and the way he lives his life. I didn't read the whole book, but I definately want to. Some of the things he said really struck me. He talked about human's using up the world's resources, which surprised me, but I'm all for conservation. In that book he used pretty simple language and was straight to the point. The first sentence tells you how he feels, and what he thinks. Almost like a damn research paper thesis. I'll have to remember the name of the book, because i recommend it to everyone.

I really enojoyed chillin' there. I got the perfect seat, a nice big chair facing the parking lot. It's so interetsing to watch people. They don't even notice you. It sounds creepy, I know, but if you try it yourself, you'll probably get a kick out of it. You see some...differnt... people. One woman and, I'm assuming it was her husband, came waltzing out of the store with their 3 children. The thing that struck me though was that the woman, who I'd say was in her early 30's, was wearing light pink short shorts that said, "Hot Stuff." No, I am not kidding you. Her shorts actually said that. Can you picture her going into Deb or Rave and trying on those shorts and thinking, "Wow, these are so fashionable. I see all the hot 14 year olds wearing them. I have just GOT to get them!"

God people worry me. I'm dreading what her little girl will grow up to be like.

I saw Conor there too. I didn't say hi to him though, I didn't know where he was going in the store, and I didn't want to seem stalker-like.

On the brighter side I bought a new purse! After shopping for one for 5 hours, I came across one that is about the same size as my old one, a little bigger though. The only downfall is is that it has orange lining. And I hate orange. But- I'll find a way to cover it up. I'm sure it will get dirty fast, so hopefully the color will fade. I also bought Metroid, because I am foolish and impatient. I've been playing Fusion, which EJ has gracefully let me borrow. Sadly, I have become addicted to it, and I want more! I bought Zero Mission, which is a re-make of the original. I bought it used, even though it was only $2 cheaper than the new one. However the person working there gave me credit as if I have a membership card. That saved me an additional $3. That was very cool of him. It's strange, people have been really nice to me lately and have been saving me money. It started when I went to Pretzel Time in the mall a while ago. The guy saved me 16 cents, which isn't a lot, but still was nice of him. Then at Pizza Hut my waitress let me get the salad bar and have the breadsticks for free. Then it happened again at the game store with the $5. I'm not sure why this is happening all of a sudden, maybe because I've been shopping a whole lot more so I've been noticing it. But- as corny as it sounds, I think it's because I portray a confident, friendly image to others, and they feel that.

Who knows really, there is no answer. Just like the mystery of the suicidal squirrel.

Impulse buying gets you nowhere but poorer.

All the graduation money I have received has been listfully used to buy many things, but nothing of too much importance. A majority of my purchases have been on impulse, which is not a good thing. Where has this buying led me? Let me show you.

*A skirt which I have worn once
*A corset to go with the skirt I've only worn once
*A Japanese dress
*Hair chopsticks to go with the Japanese dress
*4 CD's
*A CD case
*A GameBoy Advance
*A game for the GameBoy
*A fancy car air freshener (returned-since I won't have a car for very
much longer.)
*Chapstick as an exchange for the air freshener
*Numerous shirts for the summer
*Pearl Street tickets
*A digital camera
*An $80 memory card for the digital camera
*And in the case of my poor friend whose impulse buying may be as bad as mine, a guitar in which he has no clue how to play.

My past adventure to The Pit (as the mall is my money vacuum) was to return the car air freshener, exchange the Japanese dress, and buy a purse. The former were sucessful, except for the fact I used the $10 I got back from the air freshener on chapstick. On my way to buy a purse which I found in a department store, I see a corset which captivates me. I think, "Well, I'm out of school, I'll be in college soon, I've always wanted a corset, ah why not." $40 later I was the proud owner of a black corset which didn't fit quite right (thank God I kept the strapless padded bra from the prom!). The corset itself wasn't $40, it was only $20, but they were having a sale so I just had to buy two other shirts which were only $10 each.

Of course I left The Pit with only $9 left, and not near enough for a new purse, which I am in dire need of, as is shown.

The zipper on the front was barely used, but it also lost it's pull when the man at the concert pulled it and threw it away.

My zipper, after losing it's pull and only half-zipping my purse, finally gave out at the concert.

Ah duct tape, the only thing holding my purse together, as it is covering up two holes (one on each corner) on the bottom.

Warning to everyone- BUYING THINGS ON IMPULSE WILL NOT LEAD TO HAPPINESS, ONLY A FASHIONABLE HOBO.

Now let me go, I need to apply some new duct tape to my purse.

Things are moving, but I'm going nowhere.

The day after prom I was at Lisa's helping her move. About a week after that we were finally done (or so to speak, we had finished enough to make it look presentable) and then began my scrummaging through old plastic trinkets I have collected for the tag sale (Hoping to come soon. Stupidly, you need a permit to have a tag sale. I do not know why. I do not know how to get one. But appearantly, it is illegal to sell my old shit unless I am permitted to by the Massachusetts government.) Last week was mainly emotional strain and speeding. And this week, after everything has relatively died down, it is moving so slowly, yet I have little time to get things together before I move to Pittsburgh.

It happened last week after my mom decided I needed to pay for rent to live in this house because I don't do dishes. Immediately after the phone call, I called my college, left a mesege asking them if I can go in July instead of waiting until October. Then began my frantic search for someone to talk to, and I think everyone knows who that is.

After years of anger and frustration between my mom and I, it finally all came rolling out. Not so much rolling really, more like crashing into cement from a 20 story building. I decided to get out, and I did, for a brief while at least.

Skipping ahead to this past Monday, Tina (from AIP) returned my call and said I could, and I could move in July 8. That certainly brought me joy. And a lot of anxiety. I know I need to move out of here, I honestly can't live here and remain as sane as possible any more. I'm nervous about how it will be, since I am so unprepared for this, considering I was going to wait until October.

But I know it's something I have to do, and I would have had to do it eventually anyway. If I want to be happy, I have to make myself happy.

I've grown so much this past year alone. At Granby everything was at a standstill. Nothing changed. Nobody else changed. Go to school. Get verbally abused. Go to next class. Quietness. Go to lunch. Listen to latest gossip. Next class. Verbal abuse. Next class. Goofing off. Bell rings. Leaves unnoticed. Goes home.

Next day would be the same exact thing. No kidding. However, at HCHS, although the people remained generally the same, attitudes changed, and so did mine. Althoguh no one can tell, I've grown up a whole lot. How come I can't interact with people well? Because no one would interact with me at Granby unless they needed a self esteem booster so they'd choose to make fun of my newly dyed black hair. After HCHS, no one helped me any how, except for those few who know they've helped, and I've learned to help myself.

It goes unnoticed that I am now able to talk to strangers, ask for directions, or order a meal the way
I want it.

I've figured out that the reason I'm so emotional is because of these wonderful little thigns called anxiety attacks. I'm getting help for that now, and for my depression, which I'm pretty sure I have. Scoff all you want, say there's no reason and I'm just making excuses. Frankly, I don't care what people think of me any more. Well, that was a lie, I do care what people think about me, but I only care about what the people I love think of me, and no one else. If you're a stranger, that's ok because you don't know me. If someone doesn't want to get to know me, that's ok too because I probably don't want to know you either. Everything's equal, you see?

I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am talented. I am smart. I am original. I am funny. I am a nerd. I am me, and you can't tell me who I am, only I can tell myself.

My pants have been branded!

In order from left to right: Ryan (bass), Derek(drums-it's written sideways), and Sean (lead). 

Over the radio I heard that Smile Empty Soul was going to be playing at Pearl Street tonight and I decided I was going to go, so I did, with Pat. Twas very fun. One of the opening bands was Moments in Grace, they reminded me a lot fo Jimmy Eat World. They were so good! I bought a CD, sadly there are only four songs on it, but their official album will be coming in the summer, and more than likely I will buy it. They really kicked ass, it was so good. And damn, the bassist was sexy as hell.

Anyway, the other band that opened up was Steriogram, and they weren't my style really, but the lead singer had the voice of a little girl which made it hilarious. And they were British. Damn that was hot too.

Smile Empty Soul eventually came on, they threw out picks, and sadly I didn't get one, but Pat did. It said "Fuck Bush" on the back. I think Sean is eager to get him out of office, as he has a song about it, two of his guitars said "Fuck Bush," and so do his guitar picks.

They wouldn't allow any pictures, I don't know why really, but at the end of the show I got them to sign my pants (as seen above) and my picture taken with them! The drummer was so very hot, he didn't wear a shirt the whole time.

Sean and Ryan were drinking beer while on stage, which was quite amusing.

It was hot as hell in there, and everyone was sweating like a monkey in the Sahara. I saw Dave, Sara, Sarah Wheeler, and Bobby there. I said hi to them, but that was it.

All in all, my first concert was tons of fun and the bands were fucking awesome! What can I say, I just love angst-ridden music!


Smile Empty Soul (Derek, Pat, Me, Ryan, Sean) 

In Case You Felt Like Commenting

Forewaring: So you know, I am being perfectly honest here, this is not a test, ploy, or joke...Just so everyone knows (everyone being people who graduated recently from Holyoke Catholic High School, in Granby Massachusetts), I thought this would be a perfect time to give you all a little heads up. Since no one has commented recently on my posts here in MY online journal (mine, not yours) I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to let you know that YOU PEOPLE (yes you know who you are)should not feel free to post your damned no one-gives-a-shit-egocentric thoughts. Don't worry, Tony, I know at least you don't waste your time here. Everyone else, since I have apparently incurable and diseased emotional and psychological problems that are beyond your concern, BUZZ OFF. GO AWAY. And yes, I know all I am doing by writing this is encouraging your negative view of me, let me assure you, that is my goal. You see, if I began to write happy thoughts about how I love my "good-hearted, really nice" neighbors and peers, than I would get too much unnecessary attention. So I think if I just feed your egos a bit and right now let you believe that I am a psychotic, manipulative idiot, then maybe you will all go on with your pathetic existences and leave me the hell alone. So just in case you didn't understand the above statement, GO THE HELL AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE so I can enjoy my insanity privately, thank you, without the melodramatic audience. Thank you and good night.

I HAD A BOYFRIEND?!

Now, for once I am not refering to EJ. But appearantly, I went out with someone between first and third grade. How did I find this out? Well, I was rummaging through my old things, sorting out stuff for a tag sale, and I came across my old diary. So I started reading it and this is what I read. (NOTE: I am writing exactly what I wrote in the diary, the interpolations are to help understand what the hell I was saying.)

"Feburary: Dear Diary, I saw some cute boys at the movies. Two of them were 12 or 11 but they where cute. And one of them was about nine or eight. But the one who I broke up with was Tyler Saperreto [definately not spelled right]. I want to get back together again and it will com [calm] him down."

Well I did not know this. I remember liking Tyler, and I thought he liked me, but I never remember going "out" with him! And I was the one who broke up with him too! Wish I had remembered that. Well, sorry EJ but I guess you weren't my first boyfriend, but you were the first I remembered!

It also seems that drama has prevaded my whole life, as I will show in this next entry.

"March: Dear Diary, Today and yesterday was alful. Yesterday Inge [Inge was my childhood best friend] said that my hair band was her's. I tried to get it back. Today Jayson [he was a neighbor who liked Inge and hated me] hid Inge's hair band. I got it, but after a little while Jayson took it off of my head and gave it back to Inge. but when Inge had it I grabed it out of her hand and I had it when Jayson grabed the other end of it and we pulled and pulled and then it brok. I started to cry but then I stoped. And this night Mike [my brother] got the ring pop. And Mike was mean to Kyle [Mike's friend] out side!"

At leest my writing skilz have approved.

I have decided I'm going to stop judging people. Generally I don't judge people, but there is this one girl, my brother's girlfriend, whom I have unjustly treated. Yes, her and my brother have gotten it on, but I just really really loathed her. However, the other night she was over, I needed the phone, and I went downstairs to get it from my brother and I said "Hi," in a nice cheerful voice. At that time I hadn't decided I was going to be nice to her, it just slipped out I guess. After that, I decided I would be nice and not let it get to me. It's their own business, I'm not going to go out of my way to know her, no one said I had to, but I'll treat her with respect, because that's how I'd like to be treated.

I'm also going to try, very hard, not to let the little things get to me any more. My psychiatrist said that was one thing we would work on, so I wouldn't be so easily aggravated and such. But hopefully with my mind set where I want it to go, it will be a lot easier. I'll be seeing him tomorrow, and hopefully it will go well.

Another technique I am using is I am trying to bathe myself in cheerfulness, as much as I possibly can. I am painting a picture of about 4-5 different types of lilies (my favorite flower). They're all bright and cheerful, and as many know, I hate color, but these flowers are very beautiful and hopefully I'll do a good enough job on them. One of the flowers is even a bright pink! Crazy, I know, but I'm hoping it will cheer me up, soothe, and calm me down at the same time. I got a little wall hanging at Eastern Arrts, and the symbol means peace, which I desperately need.

I also bought a GameBoy Advance, which may cheer me up also, after I steal a few games from EJ of course :D.

And it continues on.

Alright, alright. So Tony has finally told me whyhe hates me, and thank you Tony, I do appreciate it. However, I am still lost as to why people feel this way about me. What did I do that was so incredibly horrible that I was ostracized? Did I kill someone? Well no, that's an obvious answer. I can understand being hated for that, but I didn't kill anyone, so what's the problem?

EJ and I are friends, I don't hate him, he doesn't hate me, so there isn't, or shouldn't be, a problem there.

Whoever knows, I will gladly accept more comments like the previous one. All those comments helped me a lot to understand a little more what is going on through everyone's heads, and I really really really do appreciate it. Please, come on down!

Feisianna

Well the Feish was interetsing. It was raining when we got there, and it continued to rain the whole time we were there. We actually left for lunch half way through because it would be a while until my next dance (I did 4 of them.)

I got first in all of them, but trust me, I am not bragging. One of them I danced alone, and in the other three I was up against one other person. Yeah...so I guess I'm going to bump myself up a level, since there seems to be no one in the level I am in (which is advanced beginners).

Oh well. There's another feish later in June, somewhere in CT, and I'm going to sign up for that one also.

That's about it for now I suppose. I'm not really having a graduation party, I'm having a graduation dinner with my family and I can invite one person (and the lucky chosen one is LISA!) Yeah so that'll be interetsing, since it's at the Hadleigh House and I don't really like it there, but I think it's the only semi-fancy restauraunt around that's close. Hah, oh well.

I'm off.

Mean Girls

"If you have sex, you'll get pregnant, then die."

I saw Mean Girls last night, and it was a very good movie. Funny as hell, especially the health teacher (whose quote I used above). You can tell that there was no acting needed on Lindsay Lohan's part, since she is a natural bitch.

I think the other actor's were good at it, the two people who followed around Regina's character. One was a complete imbusile, and the other craved attention from Regina, as she once was her right-hand-man, but was replaced by Cady (Lohan's character). It was quite hilarious, there was an interetsing moment in there which I thought made the characters, well, lose their character, but the movie wasn't made to be an Academy winner, but the funny was there, and it provided well.

I will leave you with another fact from the health teacher.

"If you touch each other, you will get Clamidia [spelling?], then die."

Food is not the answer

I am sitting here, it is almost one in the morning, aimlessly staring at the bright white screen of my computer. Why? I do not know. I do feel extremely nauseated however, because of the previous gorging of synthetic, acid blasted, butter-like coating on popcorn from the movies. Why I ask for extra butter, I will never know.

This makes me reminisce about my past nauseated moments. Let me share with you one special moment between my stomach and me.

It was a Thursday, and Thursday's are dance days. I arrived home after a long day of sitting in a building full of strangers and teachers afflicted with the terrible, uncurable disease, Stick-up-the-ass. I was not feeling to vigorous, possibly because of the uncooked cookie eaten at lunch. I decided that the best way to cure this rumbling pain in my stomach was to gorge myself with all the chocolate and sugar I could find. My "cure" was not a cure, to my dismay.

The one I call my mother wanted to take me out to Chili's before dance, since it would be one of the last times. Feeling worse from the chocolate binge, my common sense would generally say to me, "NO! STOP! DON'T DO IT! DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLODE?! I'LL THROW IT ALL BACK THROUGH YOUR THROAT IF YOU DO THIS TO ME AGAIN! I CANNOT HANDLE THIS! GO BACK!" My better judgment was taking a needed vacation that day, so I decided to go and cram myself full of ketchup, greasy dressing, and, well, grease in general. My voyage was sucessful, and I was thoroughly stuffed and not ready to Irish dance for the next hour.

By the end of my day, I was feeling even more sick than I had before, I was sore, and convulsing.

I slept in the fetal position that night.

Ahhh....memories are so precious. You just can't help but smile.

Money and Malls

Graduation was good. I loved the bagpipers...that was so freakin' awesome! I didn't cry though, because I know I will keep in touch with those who are my friends, and those who aren't, well they're gone so all the more better.

Money loss hits again, as I went on another shopping spree today, spending about $100 on shirts for summer. I desperately needed shirts, I tried getting them in different colors other than green and black, but I only came away with two different colored shirts, and that was blue. But thats ok. I have to return the Japanese dress, it's too big. I wanted to return it today, but the lady, in a very incomprehensible Chinese accent, I believe said some would come in next week.

That's it for now. Feish is Sunday, and I really really really need to practice, I'm doing 4 dances (each has two steps in them) and I'm doing a hard shoe one (those are the ones with heels and are used in Riverdance) which I completely suck at so I must practice that one.

That's it for now. So long folks, have a nice evening that is devoid of bloody, killer rabbits and sour milk.

It's nothing a little shopping can't help.

Today, and yesterday, and the day before that, have been extremely stressful, more than it should have been. As usual, it was drama drama drama, because Holyoke Catholic people seem to love that, as a majority of them have been in a play of some sort.

I am extremely disappointed and fed up with people's actions. I was helping Lisa with her house, painting it, moving everything in, and unpacking. We asked for a little help from Rich to unpack, and he said he would come, but an hour after his non-existant appearance, we tracked him down at Andrew's house. We asked him again to come and help, and he said yes and he was actually over there trying to get a group together. "BULLSHIT!" Lisa screams. Seven was the appointed time, but we then decided we didn't want him helping out if he didn't want to, so it was Lisa and I unpacking her room, just waiting to get to the kitchen and dining room and living room.

Woo boy. Lisa had asked EJ to come and help that night also, but he wanted to watch a movie with Andrew instead (he ended up at Andrew's house with Rich and all them). I talked with EJ about it the next day, telling him I was disappointed, and he apologized, explained what happened, and I told him he's better than that and he shouldn't let himself go.

I found out that Rich wasn't even planning on going over at 7 o'clock either, so, he flat out lied and would have left Lisa and I hanging.

Oh yes, there were accomplices, and they are not getting away with it either. Lisa and I thought those people were helpful and generous, it turns out we were completely wrong and we are horrible mis-judges of character. The only one who pulled thorugh was EJ, who went to her house with me and helped unpack for a few hours the next day. With just that one extra person we were able to finish off the kitchen and half of the dining room! It was a lot of help, and EJ, I'd like to publicly thank you for your help, it is greatly appreciated by us and we know you are a great person. The world needs people like you :)

To the others- your uncaring, selfish attitudes will not help you in the future, no way, no how. You should all be disgraced by your actions, and I only hope that Karma really does exist. To be left alone, with no help and on a deadline, is not a fun thing. If ever any one of you is in this same situation, I hope you will get what you deserve. We are graduating tonight, and you better grow up fast. We've already seen Rich be affected by his actions, and he still hasn't learned. Shall there be a repeat? It seems to be heading that way.

On a happier note, after practice today I went shopping because I needed to let out some much needed money spending. I bought the japanese dress I have wanted for a while now, and it's fucking awesome! I have to do some adjustments, but I love it. I can't wait to wear it out in public, have no clue where, but I certainly will enjoy it!