The $200,000 Question

My mouth slowly opened. I felt my chin drop to the floor. "Oh my God...." I said, out loud. "What is it?" my customer, a girl who works at the pet store across from me, asked. I shook my head to bring me back, "Eh, nothing." What a lie. It certainly was something. Nothing to be explained to a perfect stranger however. She left and I quickly asked to use the bathroom. I speed walked through the door, grabbed my phone and texted. "I just fucking saw you. Nice hat."

Send.

I slipped my phone into my pocket. Now, completely rattled, I had to return to my job. Flustered, I couldn't think straight. I was stumbling over my words. Having customers repeat their orders. I was acting like I was retarded.

I couldn't stop thinking about him, and the brief moment I saw him, floating down on the escalators. Was he coming back? Was he still in the mall? Why'd he come this way, was he expecting to see me?

I slink out to the bathroom again. "1 Message." "I think I blushed a bit on the way down." He DID see me! I texted back, "I said Oh my God and blushed as well. I kind of wish you came by."

A few texts and a few hours of cleaning the store, I was out of there! Still, in shock. What did this mean? We didn't even meet and I'm acting like a fucking 12 year old who just saw Justin Bieber. I couldn't think straight. I loved seeing him, but at the same time it was just a joke. A tease. How could this one moment mean so much? No words exchanged, not even a glance. He was turned away, talking to his girlfriend no less.

I got home. I didn't know what to do with myself. I needed to escape. Texted a friend about going to a bar, he never responded. I ended up drinking alone. Continuously trying to create and hold a conversation with the man I had seen so briefly. Things changed. Again. I was already dealing with the fact that I will never be able to be his friend. To hang out, watch a movie, bullshit about life. But then - then he comes my way and we see each other, in the flesh. We weren't just pictures anymore. Words on an LCD screen. We now exist. Why, why would he come by? I told him not to, it was a waste of time. That I'm never there. He finally told me he loved her, he finally admitted it to himself. So why would he go and do such a thing? His girlfriend, not even the slightest idea why he was smiling. Why they were at this end of the mall. The images running through his head, completely unknown to her. Me, unknown.

It's nearing 3 in the morning. I've been up and moving since 7:30. I wasn't tired. I can't sleep with this confusion, these questions. I took Tylenol PM. Two. I knew I'd be sleeping well into the afternoon that day. But that's what I wanted. Sleep is the only escape I'm allotted. The combination of alcohol and the Tylenol was certainly a different and interesting feeling. I couldn't really enjoy though. I just wanted unconsciousness to come. One last text was sent, before he and I both passed out. It was left with a question, whether or not I wanted to continue texting him. I fell asleep with those questions in my head. In my daze over the next 12 hours, they were still there. In and out, it was a restless sleep. Why continue texting him if we could never have a real relationship, of any sort? What's the point? He's not interested in my hobbies, my interests. I'm his 'lustbunny.' Nothing but a fantasy. He doesn't want to know about my day. About my ferrets. About the idiotic customer I had while working.

I. Am. On. Repeat.